31 dec 2009

Finally the end of year 2009 arrived, the long awaited date. The last half the year was mostly miserable and tiring for me as I was dwelling with a potpourri of emotions. It was indeed tiring and I was at the verge of giving up in many things, giving up on happiness. My pathetic self who earn me a few titles, emo queen, ignorant , gloom and pathetic. Looking back at myself of 2009, there were many ups and downs, lost of a good friend, lost of a lover whom I think I might spend the entire life with and lost of myself. Most of the time, I felt bitterness in me, and I felt as though I am lost being pulled into a vortex and unable to free myself from these misery. My emotions were a roller coaster ride-of ups and downs, easily frustrated and I remember how cynical I became about my life then. Everything was painful, people lie and there was no hope around. I constantly search for happiness from people, seeking for entertainment and companion to make myself feel better. I was hiding from the pain, pushing down the feeling of disappointment and pain, distracting myself and even to a level of lying to myself. I was running away from acceptance. I knew I was broken inside despite me flashing my smile all the time. At this hard times in university, I thank God for sending friends to me and help me heal from the broken heart, for accompanying me, for making me laugh, for being there for me and even for making me feel I am not alone and that I need to be strong.At these hard times, i appreciate those who were there taking care of me and asking me how i feel. They were indeed my angel of disguise although we have our differences.

Things got bad when I went back home, where all my friends were not around. I cried silently at night for almost one month, every night thinking about the past with him and how I long to have it back all over again. I let myself feel the pain of losing someone so dear to me, let myself feel the piercing pain in my chest, let myself reminisce the good memory we had together and how happy we once were. I felt it all, tears poured non-stop and I wished badly for a second chance with him. The irony was that I need to thank him for causing me this pain, for I would not have realise that I will not get a second chance from him, but from someone else. His actions and his word does show that he still care for me but I knew that things will never be the same between us. Like Morrie said in “Tuesdays with Morrie” by Mitch Albom, let yourself feel the pain and be sad about it for a moment and then stop and detach from this emotion and move on away from it to continue with life.And that is what I was doing, detaching myself from my emotions. It did work!!! But a lot of practices and repetition need to be done.This is when I made a vow to myself that by 31 Dec 2009, I would detach myself

Things got really bad when preconvention started in La Salle Centre, the place where I am afraid to enter as that was the place where everything begins. It was the hardest step of the healing process. I am blessed with good memories of events, hence I could see flashes of us every where at every spot till the point I remember every conversation we had. We were so in love back then, the care and string trust we had for each other. I wished I could have all of them back. I cried for the first 3 days silently on my bed in the room where we used to study together, fight and hug each other. In the same room where we let our feelings grow. It was tough and painful. However, things change on the first day of convention because I change myself and am thankful for the people like Martin Jalleh and Eric for constantly reminding me that there is more to life in their very own subtle way.They never fail to make me feel important. Changing myself to be away from the same crowd and mixed around with the new, really made me a happy person and I begin to smile and laugh like I mean it. I am glad I am able to make and strengthen some friendship bonds with the new people who constantly made me laugh. They showed me with the attention I needed at the moment. And their constant care of my well being by just asking how am I everyday, and how am I doing after the break up was indeed touching. Convention and La Salle Centre were once where I vow to stop returning to avoid from the bitterness of the sweet memories. I knew I needed a break from everything that has to with him. However, I did not let my emotions and bitterness bother me through the rest of the convention. I had fun meeting new people though at times loneliness did creep in.The convention once again was a life changing experience to me. I knew the reason why I went back and why I might go back for the next. I agree to return this time was because I wanna cherish the memories I had with him and remind me of our own convention when he started his sem, who would have thought we were to end up as single entities. But a friend of mine gave me a different perspective, he told me it is time to step up and give back what i learnt to the new once.Hence, I might return again for the next convention.I guess I have digressed a little.