A conversation with me

Situation : a conversation with myself

conversation :

Me1 : It has been freaking 4 months, he should be put of your head.HE is having fun, having eveything else he have always wanted, just that it is not you. So stop wasting your tears for him.

Me 2 : yea, i know, but i cant help it, i want to blame someone or something that caused all this shit, believe me, it sucked to be so bitter and crying hurt my eyes. and now it is swollen. It is all my fault that he has to make that choice.I am just not good enough...I am still guilty after 4 freaking months. Blame it on my PMS and hormones. It sucks!!!!!!

Me 1: but you have done eveything you could, you have spoken to him, yell at him, tried to be friends and making him feel less guilty though it did not work, but isn't that enough? you have even put your pride down. What more can you do?

Me 2 :I am lost,I don't have a clue or an answer for the first time, in my life.Well, not that i always have an answer to everything but at least I knew something. This time i am lost. You know he has always been there for me everytime when i needed him, and I have always made him angry, testing his patience and so on, but he dealt with it. And sometimes i did it on purpose, to know if he would tell me how he felt. But he just kept quiet.I wish I knew the answer and I want to let go, but why is it so hard..so hard. Just when i thought he was the one and am all prepared to tell my parents about the relationship, he dumped me. And now he doesn't need me at all. I don't think I can save the relationship. But when does it still hurts so badly...it hurts so much. Now i understand why people commit suicide when they break up or cut their wrist and hurt themselves.Well, that is the easy way out. I am not going to do all that but to experience the pain every night. Just see how long can I take it and how much can I cry.

Me 1 : You are the most silly and stubborn girl! sadist and torturing yourself over a guy who doesn't want to give you any more chances though you have given him so many. You have been pushed so much into this relationship and just when you knew you are ready to accept everything and swallow you insecurity and doubt, he dumped you. He get all he want from you and he don't need you anymore and he end it. He made you felt in love and he throw you out when you are not needed, and you remain the same former state.Sigh!

Me 2 : Sigh! It was not only attraction, not only the physical romance, but it was the protection for each other and the understanding. We once had it but we lost it. I did not know it would take me so long to get over this, guessed I have overestimated my ability when it comes to attachment and love. Part of me has died, and I am mourning for it. Just a month more, a month more...

" My heart tell me to fight for you, and try harder, but my brain said, I should stop and believe that if he belongs to me he will come back, the trick is, which one should I follow?"

Like everyone around, I am always looking for answers..reasons to everything that happened to them. I am still looking for one and will always looking for one. Taking all the time that i need to heal and fix myself but my dateline would be 31st Dec.

I cannot do anything if he still feels guilty for whatever I said or comment. You are guilty and you will remain guilty all you one. I am sorry for myself for loving him so much and just when I am sure you are the one, you broke me..

I think i am losing touch and understanding of how to be a good friend or what is a good friend really like. I labelled my friends like what everyone else does, close friends, good friends, acquittance and just friends, brothers and sisters. Right now, at this moment, i think those labels are just a bunch of rubbish names and categories. I do not really remember what are the criteria of such category. People whom you have known all your life and you expect them to be there for you when you needed them are suppose to be best friend, and people who are close to your and you just fit in the group are your close friend or people who are kind and helpful to you when you needed help are good friends? I really do not know, as far as I know, right now, those people whom I thought I could fit in, whom I thought will include me, who will listen to me, all my issues and just be there, and who actually care to pull be back when I say I am ok and I can handle it, and tell me I am not.I have lost such friends. Luckily not all of them are gone, there are still a few left in my life, but I know I have my very best friend whom I trusted and I knew those hands would hold me when I fall, It is gone. I have close friends who tells me that he/she wants me to lose and be humble, I have best friend and superly close friend who tells me sorry for cutting me out and not being a god friend to me, and I got a close friend who says she will try to be a better friend and sorry to disappoint me. I have best friends whom, I don't think I can fit in anymore right now. A group of friends we call a gang, whom I do not feel like I want to be part of it. I thank God that I am blessed with some who really sincerely are there for me. But at this moment..friends are a little over rated for me.

" How many people have friends who said that they have not been a good friend to you and try to be better friend like it is a job? I certainly have friends like that!"

What if

"Here I stand alone
With this weight upon my heart
And it will not go away
In my head I keep on looking back
Right back to the start
Wondering what it was that made you change"

It is still tearing me apart, now that your memories are everywhere around me. When will i be free from this mental suffering and to trust again. If only there is someone out there who will guide me through. Tears are still pouring though I want it to stop..

Circle of Grief

It is time for me to face the fact and heal.I am going through the circle of grief, I lost the one I love and was very important to me.He lied to me, gave me hope and set me up in a trap call love, when i fall to his trap, he locked me up all alone and throw the keys and now i am stuck in this circle of lost love.Silly me, silly , silly me for making a bad choice, and now I have to suffer the consequences for letting myself succumb to all the ideals of true love.

This graph is according to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's theory.Initially I was calm and good upon receiving the bad news, in this case the break up and then i lose my cool and the bombshell burst!! I am no longer the cool and strong lady who can take every hardship..I followed the stages below

• Shock stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news.

  I was shocked, confused and at the same time i felt like there were millions of hands slaping my face, i asked myself , what went wrong! I was planning for your birthday, and you just dropped the bomb on me...

  
  

• Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable.

  Indeed, I was in denial,it happened so fast that I felt it was just a dream and there is still hope for us to be us once again and I kept denying that you have stopped loving me or cared about me. I still have faith and trust in you. I knew you will want me back, or rather believe that the break up was just temporary.

  
  

• Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.

  Oh yes, this stage, i remembered i was in rage with anger and hatred towards him and everything else and everyone who sided him. I hated everything including myself for loving him and for feeling sad and depressed. I cried every night. I felt like screaming my lungs out and throwing everything around me.I was furious filled with hatred and bitterness...

  
  

• Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out.

  This stage sipped in fast after anger. I dreamed of him continuously everyday.I felt guilty for what I have done wrong. I Knew i was wrong and I would like to patch things up badly. Be close friends back and share like how we used to share before we were couples. Thus, the talk at Kl Sentral. There is no way of patching things up. But we agree to meet up every once a month and talked and share. We let us miss each other and think of each other. He told me i was different. I guess this is what i call bargaining, bargaining for love and chances and hope.

  
  

• Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable.

  Depression stage, I think i am currently at this stage. Or am i moving on to the testing stage? I cried lately again when he came in my mind. Well, just a few drops of tears.I suppressed all the love i have for him till today, i am numb and bitter. I am bitter, bitter person. And yet, i laugh and have fun when i am surrounded by others. I am sad and bitter when i am alone in my room, very afraid of opening my cupboard, my wardrobe looking around my room because everywhere there are traces of him. His memories, his presents and everything else. He and our past his haunting me. My emotions are tangled, sadness, happiness, excitement and mostly would be bitterness. Even the most bitter bitter gourd is tasteless in my mouth coz I am far more bitter if only you taste me. I speak only of lies, loneliness and hopelessness. Suppress, suppress and

  suppress is all I am good at right now.I am so tired of trying to work this out, I am so so tired of being the pathetic me, initiating conversations. The worst of all i ended up getting hurt, being accused of wanting to win, ended up in arguments which i was just trying to get some clarification, ended up being blocked and I am hurt all over again when the past was brought up. I knew i was very direct, sarcastic and my words were as sharp as knife, but they were all the truth, to remind myself that there is no hope or love left! Living him, get myself out of his life is the best choice i guess. For me to heal and for him to be happy. He wants me to stop bugging him after that, when i have made up my mind. It is just so hard to let go if things like this kept happening. I get hurt all the time. I knew i have made him hurt along the way too. Being together was the worse choice ever!!!! Everything, every word said was lies and false hope!!!!!! I cannot tolerate and take it anymore. I am depressed and trying hard to let go!I did well when I was in KL.But why, why did i reverse back and letting the memories haunt me when i am back in Ipoh. I need to let go of this one sided love before i turned into someone I don't know, direct,bitter and sarcastic. I wanna be happy again,why did i let him steal my happiness.

  
  

• Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions.

  Solutions??????are there any realistic solutions? I so need my best friends to cheer me up during this break!

  
  

• Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward.

Hoping i will reach this stage real soon. Please don't be too harsh on my glass heart.

" Dear heart, please let him get out and beat in a happy peaceful rhythm"

• 
  

The Ohio Style

Weird, how my heart could still feel the pinch whenever I hold or see anything around me, there is a memory of him. I held Mr Santa as I was packing, and i felt the strong bitter feeling in side of me.My tear glands contracted ready to pour, but I held back. The bitterness remain, but I have made my decision and I have to stand firm to it. It is for my own good, prevent myself from getting hurt again and again.I know one day the bitterness will be gone, and memories will only remain as memories. My journey with him in life have officially ended when I allow my love for him to die, slowly, fading linearly with time. Time heals every broken heart, and I will allow him to heal mine. I belief there is someone out there for me. Thus, I will wait. Right now, I got to fix my soul, push and suppress the memories and sadness, like Ted say, with the Ohio style till I am ready to love another soul again.

" Mr Right is coming for me as fast as he could, and I shall wait"

Final

This is it. I am out of his life for good. Will never step in again and be hurt again and again. I have my share of stupidity.

I am going to stand firm with my decision. I will be happy, and so will he.

I am tired of crying and apologizing and trying to keep a friend who doesn't even care!

lesson learnt a few times, silly me to get hurt so many times.It is true that "everybody lies!"

" You do not love me anymore, and that is not a lie"

Letting Go

Well, it has been a week since i last contacted him. A small step to letting go, I wish it will work.I am getting tired of being upset, heartbroken and missing someone who might not even feel the same or miss me back in return. the love will always be there for him, but I can't do it alone. This kind of love hurts when it is not shared. I wish i never have accepted it, then we would have still be close friends, friends never break up. Exams have been tough and days were tough for me, but i made it through without him. I don't need him to live.I, therefore can't let him control my emotions. I am sick of myself, wallowing in self pity when I have great friends out there who love me and make me happy, not all of them understands how i feel, but as long as they are there to make me happy, I should not ask for me but feel blessed instead.

I think i am giving up,coz I do not want to be hurt ever again. I want to be the old dominant me.Hiding my feelings and perhaps shutting out those around me. I am sorry, but the mask is on once again. I am building walls around me for protection purposes, if you care about me, you would break the walls that shuts you out.

" I am giving up hope, I cannot hold on to this love forever, there is no forever to begin with, I need to let go, time to mend my broken heart"