Shock stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news.
I was shocked, confused and at the same time i felt like there were millions of hands slaping my face, i asked myself , what went wrong! I was planning for your birthday, and you just dropped the bomb on me...
Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable.
Indeed, I was in denial,it happened so fast that I felt it was just a dream and there is still hope for us to be us once again and I kept denying that you have stopped loving me or cared about me. I still have faith and trust in you. I knew you will want me back, or rather believe that the break up was just temporary.
Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.
Oh yes, this stage, i remembered i was in rage with anger and hatred towards him and everything else and everyone who sided him. I hated everything including myself for loving him and for feeling sad and depressed. I cried every night. I felt like screaming my lungs out and throwing everything around me.I was furious filled with hatred and bitterness...
Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out.
This stage sipped in fast after anger. I dreamed of him continuously everyday.I felt guilty for what I have done wrong. I Knew i was wrong and I would like to patch things up badly. Be close friends back and share like how we used to share before we were couples. Thus, the talk at Kl Sentral. There is no way of patching things up. But we agree to meet up every once a month and talked and share. We let us miss each other and think of each other. He told me i was different. I guess this is what i call bargaining, bargaining for love and chances and hope.
Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable.
Depression stage, I think i am currently at this stage. Or am i moving on to the testing stage? I cried lately again when he came in my mind. Well, just a few drops of tears.I suppressed all the love i have for him till today, i am numb and bitter. I am bitter, bitter person. And yet, i laugh and have fun when i am surrounded by others. I am sad and bitter when i am alone in my room, very afraid of opening my cupboard, my wardrobe looking around my room because everywhere there are traces of him. His memories, his presents and everything else. He and our past his haunting me. My emotions are tangled, sadness, happiness, excitement and mostly would be bitterness. Even the most bitter bitter gourd is tasteless in my mouth coz I am far more bitter if only you taste me. I speak only of lies, loneliness and hopelessness. Suppress, suppress and
suppress is all I am good at right now.I am so tired of trying to work this out, I am so so tired of being the pathetic me, initiating conversations. The worst of all i ended up getting hurt, being accused of wanting to win, ended up in arguments which i was just trying to get some clarification, ended up being blocked and I am hurt all over again when the past was brought up. I knew i was very direct, sarcastic and my words were as sharp as knife, but they were all the truth, to remind myself that there is no hope or love left! Living him, get myself out of his life is the best choice i guess. For me to heal and for him to be happy. He wants me to stop bugging him after that, when i have made up my mind. It is just so hard to let go if things like this kept happening. I get hurt all the time. I knew i have made him hurt along the way too. Being together was the worse choice ever!!!! Everything, every word said was lies and false hope!!!!!! I cannot tolerate and take it anymore. I am depressed and trying hard to let go!I did well when I was in KL.But why, why did i reverse back and letting the memories haunt me when i am back in Ipoh. I need to let go of this one sided love before i turned into someone I don't know, direct,bitter and sarcastic. I wanna be happy again,why did i let him steal my happiness.
Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions.
Solutions??????are there any realistic solutions? I so need my best friends to cheer me up during this break!
- Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward.
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