burn out~

Let see do have have all the symptoms of  'burn out'

1. Exhausted although have enough hours of sleep ( sometimes )
2. There are free time, but find no relaxation and calmness. ( checked)
3. Have almost everything, but do not have the time to enjoy them ( nope)
4. Unsociable and not warm or approachable towards others ( sometimes)
5. Clumsiness and hastiness while working ( Sometimes)
6. Unable to control emotions ( Sometimes)
7. Unable to overcome stress ( not yet)
8. Isolation and desire to be alone ( most of the time)

So, i guess i have 6 out of 9 symptoms of 'burn out', I AM BURNING OUT.....
everything is burning out, but my love for him still remains though, somehow i am pretty sure his for me has already long burn out... i wish there is someone who would tell me and guide me and change the settings in my head, reprogramme my brain and balance my hormones to control what i am doing and what i should be doing...

" The flames seemed to be blown off one by one, because of work and distance, looks like the wind will only blow off the flames and not turning them into a huge fire"

Hope

People told me we will never be together in the near future coz he is not ready to commit and i am a burden.

People told me to move on and let it be natural, if he wants me he will come back to me.

People told me to go fght for this love, at least tell him how i felt.

People told me to confront him and talk to him, if this relationship is really very important.

Every cell in me is regretting for not telling you how much i wanted this to work out and how much i wanted you. I lied when i said i don't need you. I lied when i say i want to hear you telling me that you don't me anymore, i lied when i say i have let go... I want to save this relationship, i hope it is not to late.I hope you'll give us a chance to work things out. Let me be selfish for once, let me work things out to get the regrets out  of my chest. It makes my heart heavy...I may move on by doing what is right now, concentrating on what i need to do but i can;t deny that i cannot let go of you just yet. I am living with regrets everyday. Please make my hope come true.

"hope that is all left in me, i have hope on you, me and us, we can make it happen, trust me"

LOVE

I knew this time for real i was in love...
And  i knew i did choose the right person, although we didnt last, at least he proves me right about him.
He may not love me anymore, but noone can stop my heart from loving him...
i jsut want to be there to support and care for him, so that he will never feel lonely...
We are not lovers, it is ok..but he allows me to make myself feel better.

" When the time is right,the path would be clear and the mind would be clearer, God will always give me someone better, perhaps a better him for me, and a better me for him"

Imperfections

Yesterday when i saw you, i felt there was no turning back,
But today when you are gone,i felt i should pacth things up,
Humans, so imperfect and indesicive,
I am imperfect and so are you,
But will you be my prefect imperfection once again?

 " Should I wait and hold on, secretly loving you"

thank you for listening to my voice

Thank you for the break up, i think you and i needed it....
it is hard to let go
but u haev show your signs
u dont need me
and that being me i will stillc are for you.
thank you for listenning to me
thank you for talking to me
thank you for making a littel chnage to my life
You were never a mistake for me...
thank you for loving me....

"Even if there is no turnng back, you will always be in me, irreplaceable, i miss you"

wrong

Something somewhere is wrong, very wrong....i am trying to figure it out.
I like my supervisor. She makes me feel the need to be positive once again and she listens to my ramblings although i am not too sure if i could tell her all the frustrations but since she asked, i let out everything from my chest. From the frustrations i kept for my tutor to another felo of a programme. My threshold is lowered...very low indeed. I need something that can make me feel awe and fulfilling all over again...i jsut need it...i am still empty.....

" See the things in a bigger picture positively, at the end of the day, we look back and we start laughing at our own silly mistakes"

EMPTY

I feel stressed...very stressed up
and i am getting hot tempered
and i wish you are here
and bring me happiness once again
i feel empty
empty soul......

"I know i still miss you, please say you will make me happy once again"

Let me hold you

 

Picture By  :ekyrista

I wish that, you will let me hold you for the last time, a chance to feel again, what it is like to be hold by you.I miss you once again...this time my mind told my heart.I hope that we can patch things up, when I meet you again...

" Just when I thought I don't feel for you anymore, you lingered in my mind, even while I was dreaming, and tell me I do feel you "

SHIT HAPPENS!!

Warning : This is going to be a lengthy, boring and whining post....don't false yourself to read it if you don't want to..all words and no pictures.

As much as i hate to admit this but shit happens a little to frequent to me..it all started of when I choose to go to Taska Bistari on a wed morning and i got a call, which is pretty last minute that i can't go on that time, only from 10 am till 12 pm, and I have classes that time. And all the other time have been booked. So alright i finally found an empty slot with transportation provided to another taska on thursday morning. Get up at 7 am getting all prepared to go and have fun with the taska children. Reach there and the person incharge tell us that they ahve sent the rejection letter and so we can't play with the children..WTH!!! sending the letter so late and never even bother to inform us about it!!!tired and exhausted, i attended class. So the next day, i follow another group to HUKM, a taska there early in the morning. Get some sounding from the Headmistress there, which i think what she said has her point but at last manage to played with a toddler,very smart and cute toddler. Things we going on find until...time to go back, I am rushing for a class at 10 am. So 5 of us split, 3 when for taxi and 2 were suppose to follow the tutor, the one who seemed so reluctant to fetch us back to our college, the one who i presume caused all this mess for the assignment, the one who always change the instruction she gives! BUt anyway, as reluctant as she was, we followed her and SHIET her car cannot be started and it was already 10am! Sucks! And she just ask us to take a taxi back...Exhausted, my friend and I decided to have nasi lemak for breakfast. It was quite good until i had the sudden urge to rush to the toilet. Almost got myself all wet it the toilet...nvm. Took taxi back which cost us a good RM 16 due to the traffic jam here and there.Reached at 11.10 am, totally burned, skipped class and went back room to sleep till I almost woke up late for the next class.

I can still handle all the tiredness. Next I spend RM 105 approximately on toys and materials to make story books and toys. Miss lady luck decided to leave me for a while. I bought six cars and one of it is spoil when i opened it to try out. ( I can still fix the wheel, so it is ok).I bought glitter glue, and the nozzle was stuck to the cover and i got glue all over my hand. ( nevermind, i manage to get the nozzle out and wash my hands, luckily it did not fell on my bed).

Like all the tiredness is not bad enough, I have to face a bunch of childish morons, same age and same race as me!! But as shallow as baby pool.Came in late for an event.Nevermind, but she would like to show her presence to everyone else in the hall by walking around and talking.Not giving full co-operation.Testing my lowered threshold patience. My nice and polite speech cannot penetrate through her numb skull..it is ok, 10 minutes later i talked to her again.Give her a chance to sit with her friends, she doesn't want, this time showing me her not very pretty face that she is annoyed with me. She should be glad that i am not screaming at her. Wasting my time talking to people as shallow as her. A disgrace to the chinese community and those who are born in 1988. That night i realize, that other people of other race are much more cooperative and make things easier for me. So those out there stop protecting your own race, there is always a group who give people shits and pain in the neck around, so those of your own race are not always the best!Got to face another idiotic person who thinks she is smart and powerful to control everything. Critic is all she could do, but she forgot as an advisor, her job is to advice but she is not living up to her post. Critic but not constructive! Of course being me, i shoot her back with sme questions. Not very proud, but i felt the need to do it.

Today, my friends and I went to Toys 'R' us warehiuse sale. Spend good 4 hours there shopping for toys and cash was flowing out like water. I bought a chop with dough and the dough was supper sticky and stick all over the place! I felt i have wasted RM 5 on that chop! ( nevermind again, i can use other materials for the chop and I love the chicken head anyway =) ) I took out my UFO toy and the sticker fell off..ARGH!!! ( nevermind, i can't stick it back) I openned my RM 5 Japanese bus,it comes together with 2 batteries and guess what, one of it is leaking and is rusty!!!!! why me!!! ( nevermind, i have extra batteries).

After the bus, i decided to stop and blog...and try not to feel that miss pretty Lady luck is starting to give me some cold shoulder treatment. I have to constantly remind myself that things could have been worst and shit happens, though with a reason, it still happens. AND I CAN MAKE IT THROUGH!!!! i got to make it through coz everything is testing my patience and strength and I am surviving!

I had fun this week despite the exhaustion and business.I felt my feeling has been diluting too, or am I avoiding and being ignorance toward my emotional side of me....sometimes i guess it is better not finding out.As long as i feel strong and good about myself...things will get better...=) I believe it that!

" When Shit happens, wipe it off with a positive mind"

MISS YOU

 

Missing someone who doesn't miss me like how we used to miss each other.

miss his laughter

miss his smiles

Do i miss him or i miss having him?

I really don;t know for sure 

but right now at this moment i miss him...

" I may look strong on the outside, but try looking into my heart and soul, I am still sewing up my wound; every needle stitching it hurts"

How can i not love you?

Cannot touch
Cannot hold
Cannot be together

Cannot love
Cannot kiss
Cannot have each other

Must be strong,
And we must let go
Cannot say
What our hearts must know
How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you
Here in my arms

How does one waltz away
From all the memories
How do I not miss you
When you are gone

Cannot dream
Cannot share
Sweet and tender moments

Cannot feel
How we feel
Must pretend it's over

Must be brave,
And we must go on
Must not say,
What we've known all along

How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you
Here in my arms

How does one waltz away
From all the memories
How do I not miss you
When you are gone
How can I not love you..

[[Musical Interlude]]

Must be brave,
And we must be strong
Cannot say,
What we've known all along.

How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you
Here in my arms

How does one waltz away
From all the memories
How do I not miss you
When you are gone

How can I not love you..
When you are you gone.....

" Can't you feel and see that i still miss you badly? Of course you can't course you allow distance and work to dilute my love, you lost the only link to me"

The brain or the heart?

Talked to various people lately. Need so guidance of what I should do and whether I should follow my heart or my brain.But in the end, I know I should not give up.I owe myself an explaination. I am living in denial. I can't accept and let go. There are so many things i want to tell him. I wish he would listen to me. And I 'm giving it a try. No matter what I will. Now I know what I should do. I maybe wrong. But I know I needed to do it. I pray that the big man up there will give me strenght. Perhaps things happens for a reason, a good reason some may say. But God only help those who help themselves. I'll never know whether my actions are right or wrong.Or am I ready to accept the second or perhaps the third wave of pain. All I know is, I need to do something  for my soul to rest in peace. The truth hurts and lie is worst. I know I have to be honest.I need strength to be strong. I cannot be so emo..I need to move on, i need a closure, I need to stop blaming myself. May i be free from this mental suffering, may I be happy once again.



'When the heart and the brain is not compromising, i wish he was here to tell me what to do"

myself

Oh no!!! lately i am so into my own emotions and my own problems that i miss out other people's emotions and problem and the one who is so close to and was there for me all the time...i miss out their feelings and forgot that they might need me to be there.To indulge and keep dwelling in my own problems make me cold inside and hide my love for those who might just needed someone to be there.Focus on youself but make other happy too, be there for those who might just needed you more...For those who are suffering from any forms of sufferings, i pray that they will be free from them and find peace in their soul once again. I am only one, but i know my prayers can reach far to everyone else who needs it.






"Love is powerful, love is pure, love sometimes is pain, but love makes us all human once again"

Emotions

I am such a coward. I really am. Why? because I am afraid that I might regret of the steps that I am taking in the road call love and emotions. I have lost..loss hope and love, because he who once loved me told me that the feeling was diluted by work. There ain't any spark left for the fire. He told me probably because he seldom see me so the love for me is diluting, is changing...distance: the wind does not make the fire bigger..it is getting smaller and going off soon. But why is the feeling getting more concentrated for me? Or am I loving him just the sake of loving and wanting to achieve my ideal dreams of making him my first and the last? I really don't know. Our journey together has really come to and end? there is no hope left to grow the love and start a spark. God's gifts come in small meaningful sizes,but i jsut pray that it will give me a clearer picture.There is still hope, i know there is. And yet, should i fight for this love? or should i let it go? many ask me to give up and let it go. Part of me tells me that too, but then why? why am I regreting of the actions i took, when i needed answer, why am i blaming myself for making the rubber band snape and unable to recoil back? If only i have seen this happening, will my choice be the same 2 years back? will i still choose to be with him. I need someone, someone to guide me...someone who will tell me what i feel, and yet i know i am jsut being ridiculous. Emotions is tearing me apart once again!

'Sadness is not a bad thing, it is pure, it is real, it makes me realise that I might be still in love with him'

MY LEAD

I have decided to join LEAD at the very last minute and yet I am glad I made that decision. Familiar faces are seen once again, faces of those who care. It indeed feels like home. LEAD, Ulu kernas, this time i went with a different emotion and different hope, in fact I think there was no hope harvest in me. It was more of revisiting to the past, happy past where i am still his priority and love. We had happy time together last year in the same place, i remember how he told me he misses me and I slept on his shoulders all the way back to Ipoh. He was the only person whose shoulders fit my head so perfectly, I missed all that, it just remain as part of my memory. Eveything we did was still so vivid in my head, the laughter we shared on the bridge the flour that we played and everything else. As silly as i was, I wish that it will happen again, just a matter of time, living in denial once again. I was not excited about helping out the boys who attented LEAD, I am in need of help that is why i went there, more as a delegate who needed some development than an organizer. First day, i met my role model in everything. She is going through a way tougher time that i did. 4 years of relationship was called off with no concrete reason.Her heart was way more shattered than i am i suppose, but she is keeping strong. A cheerful outlook but bitter inside.I am really glad that i have someone like her to talk to coz she make me think i should be able to get through it, since my cut was not as deep as hers. But it definately was not easy.It was harder than i thought.Then we have other friends who were heart broken in the camp as well. With somewhat different senarios but same end product..heart was shattered.I guess the saying  : " a boy will leart to love when he is a man and a girl when she is a lady"  we are jsut merely still boys and girls, lots of experiences out there waiting for us, lots of opportunities. So i got to let go, i know, but the guy that i met have alomsot everything i wanted, almost,but he is not mine anymore. I can let go,but i am selfish, i cannot let others have him too, sometimes. But what matters most is he being happy and his choice is right for him and as i have always tell myself, he better not let my tears and broken heart go to waste. Am i that selfless? I really dont know myself.cos i am jsut confused.This time around, ulu kernas has been my escapade and relaxation. i laugh but it is empty, i smile but it was not from the heart, i felt like an empty person looking for the cheerful me all over again.I met a few new people, bubbly and enegetic.They reminded of how i used to be, when can i be that girl again.I wish i knew....



                 " I am confused, am i in love with the idea of you or am i in love with you"