MY LEAD

I have decided to join LEAD at the very last minute and yet I am glad I made that decision. Familiar faces are seen once again, faces of those who care. It indeed feels like home. LEAD, Ulu kernas, this time i went with a different emotion and different hope, in fact I think there was no hope harvest in me. It was more of revisiting to the past, happy past where i am still his priority and love. We had happy time together last year in the same place, i remember how he told me he misses me and I slept on his shoulders all the way back to Ipoh. He was the only person whose shoulders fit my head so perfectly, I missed all that, it just remain as part of my memory. Eveything we did was still so vivid in my head, the laughter we shared on the bridge the flour that we played and everything else. As silly as i was, I wish that it will happen again, just a matter of time, living in denial once again. I was not excited about helping out the boys who attented LEAD, I am in need of help that is why i went there, more as a delegate who needed some development than an organizer. First day, i met my role model in everything. She is going through a way tougher time that i did. 4 years of relationship was called off with no concrete reason.Her heart was way more shattered than i am i suppose, but she is keeping strong. A cheerful outlook but bitter inside.I am really glad that i have someone like her to talk to coz she make me think i should be able to get through it, since my cut was not as deep as hers. But it definately was not easy.It was harder than i thought.Then we have other friends who were heart broken in the camp as well. With somewhat different senarios but same end product..heart was shattered.I guess the saying  : " a boy will leart to love when he is a man and a girl when she is a lady"  we are jsut merely still boys and girls, lots of experiences out there waiting for us, lots of opportunities. So i got to let go, i know, but the guy that i met have alomsot everything i wanted, almost,but he is not mine anymore. I can let go,but i am selfish, i cannot let others have him too, sometimes. But what matters most is he being happy and his choice is right for him and as i have always tell myself, he better not let my tears and broken heart go to waste. Am i that selfless? I really dont know myself.cos i am jsut confused.This time around, ulu kernas has been my escapade and relaxation. i laugh but it is empty, i smile but it was not from the heart, i felt like an empty person looking for the cheerful me all over again.I met a few new people, bubbly and enegetic.They reminded of how i used to be, when can i be that girl again.I wish i knew....



                 " I am confused, am i in love with the idea of you or am i in love with you"