31 dec 2009

Finally the end of year 2009 arrived, the long awaited date. The last half the year was mostly miserable and tiring for me as I was dwelling with a potpourri of emotions. It was indeed tiring and I was at the verge of giving up in many things, giving up on happiness. My pathetic self who earn me a few titles, emo queen, ignorant , gloom and pathetic. Looking back at myself of 2009, there were many ups and downs, lost of a good friend, lost of a lover whom I think I might spend the entire life with and lost of myself. Most of the time, I felt bitterness in me, and I felt as though I am lost being pulled into a vortex and unable to free myself from these misery. My emotions were a roller coaster ride-of ups and downs, easily frustrated and I remember how cynical I became about my life then. Everything was painful, people lie and there was no hope around. I constantly search for happiness from people, seeking for entertainment and companion to make myself feel better. I was hiding from the pain, pushing down the feeling of disappointment and pain, distracting myself and even to a level of lying to myself. I was running away from acceptance. I knew I was broken inside despite me flashing my smile all the time. At this hard times in university, I thank God for sending friends to me and help me heal from the broken heart, for accompanying me, for making me laugh, for being there for me and even for making me feel I am not alone and that I need to be strong.At these hard times, i appreciate those who were there taking care of me and asking me how i feel. They were indeed my angel of disguise although we have our differences.

Things got bad when I went back home, where all my friends were not around. I cried silently at night for almost one month, every night thinking about the past with him and how I long to have it back all over again. I let myself feel the pain of losing someone so dear to me, let myself feel the piercing pain in my chest, let myself reminisce the good memory we had together and how happy we once were. I felt it all, tears poured non-stop and I wished badly for a second chance with him. The irony was that I need to thank him for causing me this pain, for I would not have realise that I will not get a second chance from him, but from someone else. His actions and his word does show that he still care for me but I knew that things will never be the same between us. Like Morrie said in “Tuesdays with Morrie” by Mitch Albom, let yourself feel the pain and be sad about it for a moment and then stop and detach from this emotion and move on away from it to continue with life.And that is what I was doing, detaching myself from my emotions. It did work!!! But a lot of practices and repetition need to be done.This is when I made a vow to myself that by 31 Dec 2009, I would detach myself

Things got really bad when preconvention started in La Salle Centre, the place where I am afraid to enter as that was the place where everything begins. It was the hardest step of the healing process. I am blessed with good memories of events, hence I could see flashes of us every where at every spot till the point I remember every conversation we had. We were so in love back then, the care and string trust we had for each other. I wished I could have all of them back. I cried for the first 3 days silently on my bed in the room where we used to study together, fight and hug each other. In the same room where we let our feelings grow. It was tough and painful. However, things change on the first day of convention because I change myself and am thankful for the people like Martin Jalleh and Eric for constantly reminding me that there is more to life in their very own subtle way.They never fail to make me feel important. Changing myself to be away from the same crowd and mixed around with the new, really made me a happy person and I begin to smile and laugh like I mean it. I am glad I am able to make and strengthen some friendship bonds with the new people who constantly made me laugh. They showed me with the attention I needed at the moment. And their constant care of my well being by just asking how am I everyday, and how am I doing after the break up was indeed touching. Convention and La Salle Centre were once where I vow to stop returning to avoid from the bitterness of the sweet memories. I knew I needed a break from everything that has to with him. However, I did not let my emotions and bitterness bother me through the rest of the convention. I had fun meeting new people though at times loneliness did creep in.The convention once again was a life changing experience to me. I knew the reason why I went back and why I might go back for the next. I agree to return this time was because I wanna cherish the memories I had with him and remind me of our own convention when he started his sem, who would have thought we were to end up as single entities. But a friend of mine gave me a different perspective, he told me it is time to step up and give back what i learnt to the new once.Hence, I might return again for the next convention.I guess I have digressed a little.

Hating Myself

What do I have to do to make you feel less guilty, perhaps not talking to you would be good. I hate myself seems so wrong to you. It seems like you have forgotten that you do not want me anymore for that one second when you tell me that you will be unhappy if I am unhappy. But, I know, you are feeling it out of guilt and you do not deserve to know that your decisions has a big negative impact on me. Yes I hate myself for not letting you go easily as I should, I hate it when I knew I was the one who screwed things up and made a mistake,a terrible mistake. It is my own choice so I am suffering the consequences of it. One should be glad that the ex girl is not blaming him for anything and not hating him, but why are you the exact opposite? You want me to hate you and you felt responsible for how I feel but you don't want me anymore and you said 'us" will not wok out coz it feels like a routine to you. Watever, perhaps the best way if for us to stop contacting for a while and see how it goes from there.

" The heart has reasons, which reasons know not of"

Active tear glands

Posts on this blog should be happy port of how my life evolve in the positive manner but somehow I am clueless how this blog became a place where I vent out my negative vibes.It is definitely a metamorphosis happening here. I knew I am growing.

I watched new moon, I cried. I felt the pain, in the cinema. It just seem different and the memories of us did come back and haunt me again. I dislike this feeling because I feel weak and I want to fight for what I think is worth it. But my determination will never go beyond myself, as I am not the one at the winning end, I am not the decisions maker in this.I am pretty lost. The only way to remind me that whatever happen between us was real was the pain. Is this pain a blessing, yet for me to find out. But I know, like Bella, I felt as if it has punch through my heart and left a big hole, yet to be mend, will I have a Jacob to mend the hole? I wished there is someone, but right now I am having trust issues and I just feel like disappearing. I never really matter to anyone, until they needed help and suddenly I am not invisible to them anymore. He used to make me feel that I am important, but now, he seems to be like one of them, appear only when he needed someone. When I am in pain like right now, I cannot express because people would only call me idiotic and silly. I know if he is mine, he will come back to me. I know all the love true cliches, but it is painful,to have all the memories haunting me every night.I have never cry so much for a guy before and he is the first and now would probably be the last. Perhaps I will always fall in love with him. I am sure there is someone who sees him the way I see him. And I hope I gave my love to someone special, and that she loves him like I do. Letting go...taking baby steps all over again...

" I never thought it would take me so long to get over you, I guess you have really own my heart, will I ever get it back?"

A conversation with me

Situation : a conversation with myself

conversation :

Me1 : It has been freaking 4 months, he should be put of your head.HE is having fun, having eveything else he have always wanted, just that it is not you. So stop wasting your tears for him.

Me 2 : yea, i know, but i cant help it, i want to blame someone or something that caused all this shit, believe me, it sucked to be so bitter and crying hurt my eyes. and now it is swollen. It is all my fault that he has to make that choice.I am just not good enough...I am still guilty after 4 freaking months. Blame it on my PMS and hormones. It sucks!!!!!!

Me 1: but you have done eveything you could, you have spoken to him, yell at him, tried to be friends and making him feel less guilty though it did not work, but isn't that enough? you have even put your pride down. What more can you do?

Me 2 :I am lost,I don't have a clue or an answer for the first time, in my life.Well, not that i always have an answer to everything but at least I knew something. This time i am lost. You know he has always been there for me everytime when i needed him, and I have always made him angry, testing his patience and so on, but he dealt with it. And sometimes i did it on purpose, to know if he would tell me how he felt. But he just kept quiet.I wish I knew the answer and I want to let go, but why is it so hard..so hard. Just when i thought he was the one and am all prepared to tell my parents about the relationship, he dumped me. And now he doesn't need me at all. I don't think I can save the relationship. But when does it still hurts so badly...it hurts so much. Now i understand why people commit suicide when they break up or cut their wrist and hurt themselves.Well, that is the easy way out. I am not going to do all that but to experience the pain every night. Just see how long can I take it and how much can I cry.

Me 1 : You are the most silly and stubborn girl! sadist and torturing yourself over a guy who doesn't want to give you any more chances though you have given him so many. You have been pushed so much into this relationship and just when you knew you are ready to accept everything and swallow you insecurity and doubt, he dumped you. He get all he want from you and he don't need you anymore and he end it. He made you felt in love and he throw you out when you are not needed, and you remain the same former state.Sigh!

Me 2 : Sigh! It was not only attraction, not only the physical romance, but it was the protection for each other and the understanding. We once had it but we lost it. I did not know it would take me so long to get over this, guessed I have overestimated my ability when it comes to attachment and love. Part of me has died, and I am mourning for it. Just a month more, a month more...

" My heart tell me to fight for you, and try harder, but my brain said, I should stop and believe that if he belongs to me he will come back, the trick is, which one should I follow?"

Like everyone around, I am always looking for answers..reasons to everything that happened to them. I am still looking for one and will always looking for one. Taking all the time that i need to heal and fix myself but my dateline would be 31st Dec.

I cannot do anything if he still feels guilty for whatever I said or comment. You are guilty and you will remain guilty all you one. I am sorry for myself for loving him so much and just when I am sure you are the one, you broke me..

I think i am losing touch and understanding of how to be a good friend or what is a good friend really like. I labelled my friends like what everyone else does, close friends, good friends, acquittance and just friends, brothers and sisters. Right now, at this moment, i think those labels are just a bunch of rubbish names and categories. I do not really remember what are the criteria of such category. People whom you have known all your life and you expect them to be there for you when you needed them are suppose to be best friend, and people who are close to your and you just fit in the group are your close friend or people who are kind and helpful to you when you needed help are good friends? I really do not know, as far as I know, right now, those people whom I thought I could fit in, whom I thought will include me, who will listen to me, all my issues and just be there, and who actually care to pull be back when I say I am ok and I can handle it, and tell me I am not.I have lost such friends. Luckily not all of them are gone, there are still a few left in my life, but I know I have my very best friend whom I trusted and I knew those hands would hold me when I fall, It is gone. I have close friends who tells me that he/she wants me to lose and be humble, I have best friend and superly close friend who tells me sorry for cutting me out and not being a god friend to me, and I got a close friend who says she will try to be a better friend and sorry to disappoint me. I have best friends whom, I don't think I can fit in anymore right now. A group of friends we call a gang, whom I do not feel like I want to be part of it. I thank God that I am blessed with some who really sincerely are there for me. But at this moment..friends are a little over rated for me.

" How many people have friends who said that they have not been a good friend to you and try to be better friend like it is a job? I certainly have friends like that!"

What if

"Here I stand alone
With this weight upon my heart
And it will not go away
In my head I keep on looking back
Right back to the start
Wondering what it was that made you change"

It is still tearing me apart, now that your memories are everywhere around me. When will i be free from this mental suffering and to trust again. If only there is someone out there who will guide me through. Tears are still pouring though I want it to stop..

Circle of Grief

It is time for me to face the fact and heal.I am going through the circle of grief, I lost the one I love and was very important to me.He lied to me, gave me hope and set me up in a trap call love, when i fall to his trap, he locked me up all alone and throw the keys and now i am stuck in this circle of lost love.Silly me, silly , silly me for making a bad choice, and now I have to suffer the consequences for letting myself succumb to all the ideals of true love.

This graph is according to Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's theory.Initially I was calm and good upon receiving the bad news, in this case the break up and then i lose my cool and the bombshell burst!! I am no longer the cool and strong lady who can take every hardship..I followed the stages below

• Shock stage: Initial paralysis at hearing the bad news.

  I was shocked, confused and at the same time i felt like there were millions of hands slaping my face, i asked myself , what went wrong! I was planning for your birthday, and you just dropped the bomb on me...

  
  

• Denial stage: Trying to avoid the inevitable.

  Indeed, I was in denial,it happened so fast that I felt it was just a dream and there is still hope for us to be us once again and I kept denying that you have stopped loving me or cared about me. I still have faith and trust in you. I knew you will want me back, or rather believe that the break up was just temporary.

  
  

• Anger stage: Frustrated outpouring of bottled-up emotion.

  Oh yes, this stage, i remembered i was in rage with anger and hatred towards him and everything else and everyone who sided him. I hated everything including myself for loving him and for feeling sad and depressed. I cried every night. I felt like screaming my lungs out and throwing everything around me.I was furious filled with hatred and bitterness...

  
  

• Bargaining stage: Seeking in vain for a way out.

  This stage sipped in fast after anger. I dreamed of him continuously everyday.I felt guilty for what I have done wrong. I Knew i was wrong and I would like to patch things up badly. Be close friends back and share like how we used to share before we were couples. Thus, the talk at Kl Sentral. There is no way of patching things up. But we agree to meet up every once a month and talked and share. We let us miss each other and think of each other. He told me i was different. I guess this is what i call bargaining, bargaining for love and chances and hope.

  
  

• Depression stage: Final realization of the inevitable.

  Depression stage, I think i am currently at this stage. Or am i moving on to the testing stage? I cried lately again when he came in my mind. Well, just a few drops of tears.I suppressed all the love i have for him till today, i am numb and bitter. I am bitter, bitter person. And yet, i laugh and have fun when i am surrounded by others. I am sad and bitter when i am alone in my room, very afraid of opening my cupboard, my wardrobe looking around my room because everywhere there are traces of him. His memories, his presents and everything else. He and our past his haunting me. My emotions are tangled, sadness, happiness, excitement and mostly would be bitterness. Even the most bitter bitter gourd is tasteless in my mouth coz I am far more bitter if only you taste me. I speak only of lies, loneliness and hopelessness. Suppress, suppress and

  suppress is all I am good at right now.I am so tired of trying to work this out, I am so so tired of being the pathetic me, initiating conversations. The worst of all i ended up getting hurt, being accused of wanting to win, ended up in arguments which i was just trying to get some clarification, ended up being blocked and I am hurt all over again when the past was brought up. I knew i was very direct, sarcastic and my words were as sharp as knife, but they were all the truth, to remind myself that there is no hope or love left! Living him, get myself out of his life is the best choice i guess. For me to heal and for him to be happy. He wants me to stop bugging him after that, when i have made up my mind. It is just so hard to let go if things like this kept happening. I get hurt all the time. I knew i have made him hurt along the way too. Being together was the worse choice ever!!!! Everything, every word said was lies and false hope!!!!!! I cannot tolerate and take it anymore. I am depressed and trying hard to let go!I did well when I was in KL.But why, why did i reverse back and letting the memories haunt me when i am back in Ipoh. I need to let go of this one sided love before i turned into someone I don't know, direct,bitter and sarcastic. I wanna be happy again,why did i let him steal my happiness.

  
  

• Testing stage: Seeking realistic solutions.

  Solutions??????are there any realistic solutions? I so need my best friends to cheer me up during this break!

  
  

• Acceptance stage: Finally finding the way forward.

Hoping i will reach this stage real soon. Please don't be too harsh on my glass heart.

" Dear heart, please let him get out and beat in a happy peaceful rhythm"

• 
  

The Ohio Style

Weird, how my heart could still feel the pinch whenever I hold or see anything around me, there is a memory of him. I held Mr Santa as I was packing, and i felt the strong bitter feeling in side of me.My tear glands contracted ready to pour, but I held back. The bitterness remain, but I have made my decision and I have to stand firm to it. It is for my own good, prevent myself from getting hurt again and again.I know one day the bitterness will be gone, and memories will only remain as memories. My journey with him in life have officially ended when I allow my love for him to die, slowly, fading linearly with time. Time heals every broken heart, and I will allow him to heal mine. I belief there is someone out there for me. Thus, I will wait. Right now, I got to fix my soul, push and suppress the memories and sadness, like Ted say, with the Ohio style till I am ready to love another soul again.

" Mr Right is coming for me as fast as he could, and I shall wait"

Final

This is it. I am out of his life for good. Will never step in again and be hurt again and again. I have my share of stupidity.

I am going to stand firm with my decision. I will be happy, and so will he.

I am tired of crying and apologizing and trying to keep a friend who doesn't even care!

lesson learnt a few times, silly me to get hurt so many times.It is true that "everybody lies!"

" You do not love me anymore, and that is not a lie"

Letting Go

Well, it has been a week since i last contacted him. A small step to letting go, I wish it will work.I am getting tired of being upset, heartbroken and missing someone who might not even feel the same or miss me back in return. the love will always be there for him, but I can't do it alone. This kind of love hurts when it is not shared. I wish i never have accepted it, then we would have still be close friends, friends never break up. Exams have been tough and days were tough for me, but i made it through without him. I don't need him to live.I, therefore can't let him control my emotions. I am sick of myself, wallowing in self pity when I have great friends out there who love me and make me happy, not all of them understands how i feel, but as long as they are there to make me happy, I should not ask for me but feel blessed instead.

I think i am giving up,coz I do not want to be hurt ever again. I want to be the old dominant me.Hiding my feelings and perhaps shutting out those around me. I am sorry, but the mask is on once again. I am building walls around me for protection purposes, if you care about me, you would break the walls that shuts you out.

" I am giving up hope, I cannot hold on to this love forever, there is no forever to begin with, I need to let go, time to mend my broken heart"

2nd day

Well, at 12 am my hands got itchy so i replied him saying thanks for the wishes, he replied very fast to my surprise saying good luck again..and i immediately deleted it off...

My manic monday

paper sucked coz i could not remember what i studied

sleep and fooled around not preparing for the next paper..

anyway, tempted a few times to msg him or waited for his msg coz I miss him stupidly...

However, manage to refrained from doing so..kudos to me =)

My ah kor just broke up because he had a girl version of him...anyway i prayed those who broke up will eventually find love and continue to trust the appearance of true love....he/she will come..

" I am tired of being the only one missing you when you don't give a damn about me"

first day

Alright, it is getting really hard no to think about him....but i didnt text him or leave a msg in is facebook. well as starters, I was defeated by my own temptations and left a message for him, an offine message in MSN.Not that he will see it anyway, as i have thought, or maybe he did it again, block me....well, reminder to myself, i am still a friend to him, but like he and the rest said, I am not there doesn't mean i am less of a friend to him...what more, he still has my heart...so i pray hard to be able to transform myself back to the independent girl once more, having commitment issues was not a big deal anymore, just be myself, perhaps come back a little stronger..

" I need to know what i want to decide my journey alone"

paranoid

It is funny how i get paranoid so easily,by just someone calling my name in MSN or someone say hie and asked if i am there..and no reply after that...perhaps I was thinking too much and worrying to much. Especially when the message came from a friend who is from the same uni as him. I was worried that something bad or unfortunate had happened to him and worried sick for the whole day, well i think nothing actually happened to him because he was on facebook 2 hours ago to leave a message.Silly me...but thank God everything was fine...hope everything is always fine for him...

sigh, my disappearance form your world didn't work...so sorry about that message from another friend, i tried to make you less guilty but i think i failed, So So sorry...

" I cannot imagine my reaction and feelings if anything bad happened to you, so please take care and be happy, i know you will"

Hurdle

I think I am the hurdle that will make you fall,

I remove myself from your road,

Your path will be smoother,

I will still be a friend forever, though I am gone....

" the hurdle is gone, you are free to run on the clear road to your destiny"

Sem

last sem i hope this would be a better semester,

this sem turned out worst, very much worst

I lose someone i love very much, not to death but to distance, commitment problems and studies/work.

I lose a probably best friend of all best friends

I lose a close friend

My grandma was admitted twice to the hospital for broken bones.

I lose a little of myself as day passes by

Well, a great lesson learn, to fight till i have no regrets and fight for what i think is worth it, tho i may lose

I learnt, that there is a lesson in every goodbye

i learnt to face the ugly truth.. yes i did have many unforgettable experiences this semester...let's hope next semester will be a better one..

I marched on, not as a crying baby, but with a grace of an adult, a young lady, and promise with much avoidance never to be hurt again or think about it again.....i will survive...

" The problem is love, and it means me, and now i have to minus you, figuring out next"

i cried again

he called

i lied

he spoke, he cared, he asked, i answered

i feel akward

i feel sad

i tell myself i am nothing to him

perhaps i am really nothing to him

" when i wanted you to tell me that you don't love me, i lied"

I am hormonal!!

PMS is a bitch....why? because I am out of control and my emotions are running wild...

1. I made someone who probably have the feeling of killing me.
2. or perhaps i made that someone feel annoyed but had to say he is not annoyed coz monday is my exam.
3. or perhaps i have hurt him...
4. i am wasting my time doing nothing
5. letting my wild emotions envelope my soul..
6. and i am about to ask,wait i just asked a dumbass question and now either waiting for a reply that might send my tear glands starts functioning or without a reply and make me wonder and think pathetically.

I am pathetic, but don't blame me, blame the hormones in me!

" I have no idea why I am only allowing you to make my heart skip a beat in excitement and my lips to curve up again and missing 0ut on the others"

Blame it on the hormones

It feels wrong, but last night when you talked to me and show me your care i feel like telling you that i love and right now i am missing you badly.......i wish i could tell you all this...

" PMS brings out everything I tried so hard to suppress, just when I though I am Ok"

Shoot me!

It had been a tiring, hectic and there were many rushing for time moments took place in my life for the passed few weeks and it is going to start all over again starting from now at this very moment. Adrenaline rush and complex mechanism taking place in my body, assisting my brain to function better continues on...
I am no machine,
I am only human,
How long can I take it?

Ironically, I seemed to be enjoying the process of completing assignments..Patience level are lowered and so is my temper threshold, but working with friends, the laughter still continues on no matter how tired we are. And when the end product is achieve, and mission accomplished, the sense of accomplishment and satisfaction replaces everything else....and the feeling is great,and soon enough we realize the whole process was indeed an insightful learning process and testing how far we can go... got to stay positive =)

" No matter what happen, you still manage to steal a moment of my thought- good or bad, you tell me"

Breath

Another Taylor Swift song here, coz i feel in. In the moments of stress and tiredness, i am more emotional and less rational. Breathe.....

Breathe
I see your face in my mind as I drive away
'Cause none of us thought it was gonna end that way
People are people and sometimes we change our minds
But it's killing me to see you go after all this time

Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm
Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm

Music starts playin' like the end of a sad movie
It's the kinda ending you don't really wanna see
'Cause it's tragedy and it'll only bring you down
Now I don't know what to be without you around

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

Never wanted this, never want to see you hurt
Every little bump in the road I tried to swerve
People are people and sometimes it doesn't work out
Nothing we say is gonna save us from the fall out

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me
You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand

And I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me
It's two a.m., feelin' like I just lost a friend
Hope you know this ain't easy, easy for me

And we know it's never simple, never easy
Never a clean break, no one here to save me, oh

I can't breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to
Breathe
Without you, but I have to

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry
I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry

" I can live and breathe without you, just that sometimes you make it easier for me"

You Belong With Me

You Belong With Me by Taylor Swift
"You Belong With Me"

You're on the phone
With your girlfriend
She's upset
She's going off about
Something that you said
'cause she doesn't get your humor
Like I do

I'm in the room
It's a typical Tuesday night
I'm listening to the kind of music
She doesn't like
She'll never know your story
Like I do

But she wears short skirts
I wear t-shirts
She's cheer captain
And I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming about the day
When you wake up and find
That what you're looking for
Has been here the whole time

If you could see
That I'm the one
Who understands you
Been here all along
So why can't you
See you belong with me
You belong with me.

Walking the streets
With you and your worn out jeans
I can't help thinking
This is how it ought to be
Laughing on a park bench
Thinking to myself
Hey, isn't this easy?

And you've got a smile
That could light up this whole town
I haven't seen it in awhile
Since she brought you down
You say you're fine
I know you better than that
Hey what you doing
With a girl like that

She wears high heels
I wear sneakers
She's cheer captain
I'm on the bleachers
Dreaming about the day
When you wake up and find
That what you're looking for
Has been here the whole time

If you could see
That I'm the one
Who understands you
Been here all along
So why can't you
See you belong with me
Standing by and
Waiting at your backdoor
All this time
How could you not know
Baby
You belong with me
You belong with me.

[Instrumental]

Oh, I remember
You driving to my house
In the middle of the night
I'm the one who makes you laugh
When you know you're about to cry
And I know your favorite songs
And you tell me about your dreams
Think I know where you belong
Think I know it's with me

Can't you see
That I'm the one
Who understands
Been here all along
So why can't you see?
You belong with me.

Have you ever thought
Just maybe
You belong with me?


Hmmm...am i the girl to bring you down or the girl who makes u laugh.... i wonder...

" Guess i will never know the answer, just let time tell, if you belong to me"

Green + insane

I am turning green, not green environment but green because of jealousy...of people around me and around him.

I am going insane, with so many things happening....

" like you say: as the going gets tough, tough gets going, but what if I am not tough enough? "

US

We can make it happen, trust me, i believe we can go through this trial, and soon we will be US once again.....

I believe in you ( Il Divo duet Celine Dion)

Lonely
The path you have chosen
A restless road
No turning back
One day you
Will find you light again
Don't you know
Don't let go
Be strong

Follow you heart
Let you love lead through the darkness
Back to a place you once knew
I believe, I believe, I believe
In you

Follow your dreams
Be yourself, an angel of kindness
There's nothing that you can not do
I believe, I believe, I believe
In you.

Tout seul
Tu t'en iras tout seul
Coeur ouvert
A L'univers
Poursuis ta quete
Sans regarder derriére
N'attends pas
Que le jour
Se léve

Suis ton étoile
Va jusqu'ou ton reve t'emporte
Un jour tu le toucheras
Si tu croix si tu croix si tu croix
En toi
Suis la lumiére
N'eneins pas la flamme que tu portes
Au fonds de toi souviens-toi
Que je croix que je croix que je croix
Que je croix
En toi

Someday I'll find you
Someday you'll find me to
And when I hold you close
I'll know that is true

Follow your heart
Let you love lead through the darkness
Back to a place you once knew
I believe, I believe, I believe in you

Follow your dreams
Be yourself, an angel of kindness
There's nothing that you can not do
I believe, I believe, I believe
in you

" I believe in us, like u have told me before- so now tell me what is love?"

Central

So I did what i felt like doing,
Ask what i need to ask,
Accept what the solution is,
Compromise and start all over again,
One month once, one chance every month,
One promise,one agreement,
Till we meet again,
You will always be on my mind...

" I knew i was right..this crazy little thing call love"

of boredom, tiredness and jealousy

I am bored of my life...
Tired of what i am doing,
Bored of my lame excuses,
Tired of trying to hard,
And jealous of happily ever afters, which is not destined for me at the moment...

" Just 2 days away, things did not turn out as planned,but I only have one chance, i hope i wont screw it- trying too hard not to love"

if only

 If only i could tell you right now, like i always do that i love you,

if only i could still tell you that i miss you without feeling sinful,

if only you would feel the same way....

"there are six billion people in this world, six billion hearts, but only one heart will make a difference in my life, and i want that heart to be yours"

burn out~

Let see do have have all the symptoms of  'burn out'

1. Exhausted although have enough hours of sleep ( sometimes )
2. There are free time, but find no relaxation and calmness. ( checked)
3. Have almost everything, but do not have the time to enjoy them ( nope)
4. Unsociable and not warm or approachable towards others ( sometimes)
5. Clumsiness and hastiness while working ( Sometimes)
6. Unable to control emotions ( Sometimes)
7. Unable to overcome stress ( not yet)
8. Isolation and desire to be alone ( most of the time)

So, i guess i have 6 out of 9 symptoms of 'burn out', I AM BURNING OUT.....
everything is burning out, but my love for him still remains though, somehow i am pretty sure his for me has already long burn out... i wish there is someone who would tell me and guide me and change the settings in my head, reprogramme my brain and balance my hormones to control what i am doing and what i should be doing...

" The flames seemed to be blown off one by one, because of work and distance, looks like the wind will only blow off the flames and not turning them into a huge fire"

Hope

People told me we will never be together in the near future coz he is not ready to commit and i am a burden.

People told me to move on and let it be natural, if he wants me he will come back to me.

People told me to go fght for this love, at least tell him how i felt.

People told me to confront him and talk to him, if this relationship is really very important.

Every cell in me is regretting for not telling you how much i wanted this to work out and how much i wanted you. I lied when i said i don't need you. I lied when i say i want to hear you telling me that you don't me anymore, i lied when i say i have let go... I want to save this relationship, i hope it is not to late.I hope you'll give us a chance to work things out. Let me be selfish for once, let me work things out to get the regrets out  of my chest. It makes my heart heavy...I may move on by doing what is right now, concentrating on what i need to do but i can;t deny that i cannot let go of you just yet. I am living with regrets everyday. Please make my hope come true.

"hope that is all left in me, i have hope on you, me and us, we can make it happen, trust me"

LOVE

I knew this time for real i was in love...
And  i knew i did choose the right person, although we didnt last, at least he proves me right about him.
He may not love me anymore, but noone can stop my heart from loving him...
i jsut want to be there to support and care for him, so that he will never feel lonely...
We are not lovers, it is ok..but he allows me to make myself feel better.

" When the time is right,the path would be clear and the mind would be clearer, God will always give me someone better, perhaps a better him for me, and a better me for him"

Imperfections

Yesterday when i saw you, i felt there was no turning back,
But today when you are gone,i felt i should pacth things up,
Humans, so imperfect and indesicive,
I am imperfect and so are you,
But will you be my prefect imperfection once again?

 " Should I wait and hold on, secretly loving you"

thank you for listening to my voice

Thank you for the break up, i think you and i needed it....
it is hard to let go
but u haev show your signs
u dont need me
and that being me i will stillc are for you.
thank you for listenning to me
thank you for talking to me
thank you for making a littel chnage to my life
You were never a mistake for me...
thank you for loving me....

"Even if there is no turnng back, you will always be in me, irreplaceable, i miss you"

wrong

Something somewhere is wrong, very wrong....i am trying to figure it out.
I like my supervisor. She makes me feel the need to be positive once again and she listens to my ramblings although i am not too sure if i could tell her all the frustrations but since she asked, i let out everything from my chest. From the frustrations i kept for my tutor to another felo of a programme. My threshold is lowered...very low indeed. I need something that can make me feel awe and fulfilling all over again...i jsut need it...i am still empty.....

" See the things in a bigger picture positively, at the end of the day, we look back and we start laughing at our own silly mistakes"

EMPTY

I feel stressed...very stressed up
and i am getting hot tempered
and i wish you are here
and bring me happiness once again
i feel empty
empty soul......

"I know i still miss you, please say you will make me happy once again"

Let me hold you

 

Picture By  :ekyrista

I wish that, you will let me hold you for the last time, a chance to feel again, what it is like to be hold by you.I miss you once again...this time my mind told my heart.I hope that we can patch things up, when I meet you again...

" Just when I thought I don't feel for you anymore, you lingered in my mind, even while I was dreaming, and tell me I do feel you "

SHIT HAPPENS!!

Warning : This is going to be a lengthy, boring and whining post....don't false yourself to read it if you don't want to..all words and no pictures.

As much as i hate to admit this but shit happens a little to frequent to me..it all started of when I choose to go to Taska Bistari on a wed morning and i got a call, which is pretty last minute that i can't go on that time, only from 10 am till 12 pm, and I have classes that time. And all the other time have been booked. So alright i finally found an empty slot with transportation provided to another taska on thursday morning. Get up at 7 am getting all prepared to go and have fun with the taska children. Reach there and the person incharge tell us that they ahve sent the rejection letter and so we can't play with the children..WTH!!! sending the letter so late and never even bother to inform us about it!!!tired and exhausted, i attended class. So the next day, i follow another group to HUKM, a taska there early in the morning. Get some sounding from the Headmistress there, which i think what she said has her point but at last manage to played with a toddler,very smart and cute toddler. Things we going on find until...time to go back, I am rushing for a class at 10 am. So 5 of us split, 3 when for taxi and 2 were suppose to follow the tutor, the one who seemed so reluctant to fetch us back to our college, the one who i presume caused all this mess for the assignment, the one who always change the instruction she gives! BUt anyway, as reluctant as she was, we followed her and SHIET her car cannot be started and it was already 10am! Sucks! And she just ask us to take a taxi back...Exhausted, my friend and I decided to have nasi lemak for breakfast. It was quite good until i had the sudden urge to rush to the toilet. Almost got myself all wet it the toilet...nvm. Took taxi back which cost us a good RM 16 due to the traffic jam here and there.Reached at 11.10 am, totally burned, skipped class and went back room to sleep till I almost woke up late for the next class.

I can still handle all the tiredness. Next I spend RM 105 approximately on toys and materials to make story books and toys. Miss lady luck decided to leave me for a while. I bought six cars and one of it is spoil when i opened it to try out. ( I can still fix the wheel, so it is ok).I bought glitter glue, and the nozzle was stuck to the cover and i got glue all over my hand. ( nevermind, i manage to get the nozzle out and wash my hands, luckily it did not fell on my bed).

Like all the tiredness is not bad enough, I have to face a bunch of childish morons, same age and same race as me!! But as shallow as baby pool.Came in late for an event.Nevermind, but she would like to show her presence to everyone else in the hall by walking around and talking.Not giving full co-operation.Testing my lowered threshold patience. My nice and polite speech cannot penetrate through her numb skull..it is ok, 10 minutes later i talked to her again.Give her a chance to sit with her friends, she doesn't want, this time showing me her not very pretty face that she is annoyed with me. She should be glad that i am not screaming at her. Wasting my time talking to people as shallow as her. A disgrace to the chinese community and those who are born in 1988. That night i realize, that other people of other race are much more cooperative and make things easier for me. So those out there stop protecting your own race, there is always a group who give people shits and pain in the neck around, so those of your own race are not always the best!Got to face another idiotic person who thinks she is smart and powerful to control everything. Critic is all she could do, but she forgot as an advisor, her job is to advice but she is not living up to her post. Critic but not constructive! Of course being me, i shoot her back with sme questions. Not very proud, but i felt the need to do it.

Today, my friends and I went to Toys 'R' us warehiuse sale. Spend good 4 hours there shopping for toys and cash was flowing out like water. I bought a chop with dough and the dough was supper sticky and stick all over the place! I felt i have wasted RM 5 on that chop! ( nevermind again, i can use other materials for the chop and I love the chicken head anyway =) ) I took out my UFO toy and the sticker fell off..ARGH!!! ( nevermind, i can't stick it back) I openned my RM 5 Japanese bus,it comes together with 2 batteries and guess what, one of it is leaking and is rusty!!!!! why me!!! ( nevermind, i have extra batteries).

After the bus, i decided to stop and blog...and try not to feel that miss pretty Lady luck is starting to give me some cold shoulder treatment. I have to constantly remind myself that things could have been worst and shit happens, though with a reason, it still happens. AND I CAN MAKE IT THROUGH!!!! i got to make it through coz everything is testing my patience and strength and I am surviving!

I had fun this week despite the exhaustion and business.I felt my feeling has been diluting too, or am I avoiding and being ignorance toward my emotional side of me....sometimes i guess it is better not finding out.As long as i feel strong and good about myself...things will get better...=) I believe it that!

" When Shit happens, wipe it off with a positive mind"

MISS YOU

 

Missing someone who doesn't miss me like how we used to miss each other.

miss his laughter

miss his smiles

Do i miss him or i miss having him?

I really don;t know for sure 

but right now at this moment i miss him...

" I may look strong on the outside, but try looking into my heart and soul, I am still sewing up my wound; every needle stitching it hurts"

How can i not love you?

Cannot touch
Cannot hold
Cannot be together

Cannot love
Cannot kiss
Cannot have each other

Must be strong,
And we must let go
Cannot say
What our hearts must know
How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you
Here in my arms

How does one waltz away
From all the memories
How do I not miss you
When you are gone

Cannot dream
Cannot share
Sweet and tender moments

Cannot feel
How we feel
Must pretend it's over

Must be brave,
And we must go on
Must not say,
What we've known all along

How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you
Here in my arms

How does one waltz away
From all the memories
How do I not miss you
When you are gone
How can I not love you..

[[Musical Interlude]]

Must be brave,
And we must be strong
Cannot say,
What we've known all along.

How can I not love you
What do I tell my heart
When do I not want you
Here in my arms

How does one waltz away
From all the memories
How do I not miss you
When you are gone

How can I not love you..
When you are you gone.....

" Can't you feel and see that i still miss you badly? Of course you can't course you allow distance and work to dilute my love, you lost the only link to me"

The brain or the heart?

Talked to various people lately. Need so guidance of what I should do and whether I should follow my heart or my brain.But in the end, I know I should not give up.I owe myself an explaination. I am living in denial. I can't accept and let go. There are so many things i want to tell him. I wish he would listen to me. And I 'm giving it a try. No matter what I will. Now I know what I should do. I maybe wrong. But I know I needed to do it. I pray that the big man up there will give me strenght. Perhaps things happens for a reason, a good reason some may say. But God only help those who help themselves. I'll never know whether my actions are right or wrong.Or am I ready to accept the second or perhaps the third wave of pain. All I know is, I need to do something  for my soul to rest in peace. The truth hurts and lie is worst. I know I have to be honest.I need strength to be strong. I cannot be so emo..I need to move on, i need a closure, I need to stop blaming myself. May i be free from this mental suffering, may I be happy once again.



'When the heart and the brain is not compromising, i wish he was here to tell me what to do"

myself

Oh no!!! lately i am so into my own emotions and my own problems that i miss out other people's emotions and problem and the one who is so close to and was there for me all the time...i miss out their feelings and forgot that they might need me to be there.To indulge and keep dwelling in my own problems make me cold inside and hide my love for those who might just needed someone to be there.Focus on youself but make other happy too, be there for those who might just needed you more...For those who are suffering from any forms of sufferings, i pray that they will be free from them and find peace in their soul once again. I am only one, but i know my prayers can reach far to everyone else who needs it.






"Love is powerful, love is pure, love sometimes is pain, but love makes us all human once again"

Emotions

I am such a coward. I really am. Why? because I am afraid that I might regret of the steps that I am taking in the road call love and emotions. I have lost..loss hope and love, because he who once loved me told me that the feeling was diluted by work. There ain't any spark left for the fire. He told me probably because he seldom see me so the love for me is diluting, is changing...distance: the wind does not make the fire bigger..it is getting smaller and going off soon. But why is the feeling getting more concentrated for me? Or am I loving him just the sake of loving and wanting to achieve my ideal dreams of making him my first and the last? I really don't know. Our journey together has really come to and end? there is no hope left to grow the love and start a spark. God's gifts come in small meaningful sizes,but i jsut pray that it will give me a clearer picture.There is still hope, i know there is. And yet, should i fight for this love? or should i let it go? many ask me to give up and let it go. Part of me tells me that too, but then why? why am I regreting of the actions i took, when i needed answer, why am i blaming myself for making the rubber band snape and unable to recoil back? If only i have seen this happening, will my choice be the same 2 years back? will i still choose to be with him. I need someone, someone to guide me...someone who will tell me what i feel, and yet i know i am jsut being ridiculous. Emotions is tearing me apart once again!

'Sadness is not a bad thing, it is pure, it is real, it makes me realise that I might be still in love with him'

MY LEAD

I have decided to join LEAD at the very last minute and yet I am glad I made that decision. Familiar faces are seen once again, faces of those who care. It indeed feels like home. LEAD, Ulu kernas, this time i went with a different emotion and different hope, in fact I think there was no hope harvest in me. It was more of revisiting to the past, happy past where i am still his priority and love. We had happy time together last year in the same place, i remember how he told me he misses me and I slept on his shoulders all the way back to Ipoh. He was the only person whose shoulders fit my head so perfectly, I missed all that, it just remain as part of my memory. Eveything we did was still so vivid in my head, the laughter we shared on the bridge the flour that we played and everything else. As silly as i was, I wish that it will happen again, just a matter of time, living in denial once again. I was not excited about helping out the boys who attented LEAD, I am in need of help that is why i went there, more as a delegate who needed some development than an organizer. First day, i met my role model in everything. She is going through a way tougher time that i did. 4 years of relationship was called off with no concrete reason.Her heart was way more shattered than i am i suppose, but she is keeping strong. A cheerful outlook but bitter inside.I am really glad that i have someone like her to talk to coz she make me think i should be able to get through it, since my cut was not as deep as hers. But it definately was not easy.It was harder than i thought.Then we have other friends who were heart broken in the camp as well. With somewhat different senarios but same end product..heart was shattered.I guess the saying  : " a boy will leart to love when he is a man and a girl when she is a lady"  we are jsut merely still boys and girls, lots of experiences out there waiting for us, lots of opportunities. So i got to let go, i know, but the guy that i met have alomsot everything i wanted, almost,but he is not mine anymore. I can let go,but i am selfish, i cannot let others have him too, sometimes. But what matters most is he being happy and his choice is right for him and as i have always tell myself, he better not let my tears and broken heart go to waste. Am i that selfless? I really dont know myself.cos i am jsut confused.This time around, ulu kernas has been my escapade and relaxation. i laugh but it is empty, i smile but it was not from the heart, i felt like an empty person looking for the cheerful me all over again.I met a few new people, bubbly and enegetic.They reminded of how i used to be, when can i be that girl again.I wish i knew....



                 " I am confused, am i in love with the idea of you or am i in love with you"

watever!

Yes I admit I still harbour hope in this broken relatioship and that one day we will be together again...
I admit again that I still love him and nothing can change the fact that he is that idiot that broke my heart..
I admit I still miss him and thinking about him like a fool, knowing he doesnt give a damn about my every being on this earth...

 

how can i not miss him when he is always on my mind popping out once in a while reminding me that he is still there???

Miss you..but do you even care? i wonder?I am just a fool in this foolish game call love

 

Decided to write once again..

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Festival 1 Malaysia

FESTIVAL SATU MALAYSIA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FESTIVAL 1 MALAYSIA ADALAH SATU PROGRAM UNTUK MEMUPUK SEMANGAT PERPADUAN DI ANTARA SEMUA WARGA MALAYSIA.

BUTIR-BUTIR FESTIVAL ADALAH SEPERTI BERIKUT

TARIKH : 15 JANUARI 2010

MASA : 7 AM HINGGA 11 PM

TEMPAT : TAMAN TASIK TITIWANGSA, KUALA LUMPUR

ANJURAN : JAWATANKUASA KEBAJIKAN SISWA/I KOLEJ TUN SYED NASIR, UKM, KL

TEMA : 'MENCIPTA KESEPEPADUAN BANGSA BERTERASKAN PENDIDIKAN'

Right people, this is just one of the things that we do for or simulation on saturday for "Bengkel Pengurusan Organisasi" and learning how to publicize a programme..Festival 1 malaysia will be on but not on the following days.....